1. I am not a good cook!
Every recipe I try either ends up tasting horrible or ending up on the floor.
True story! I can follow a recipe to the absolute “t”, and it will end up that something is wrong with it. I remember one time my grandmother decided she was going to put an end to my horrible cooking omen. It was the day of my son’s birthday party and my grandmother had shown up at my house with what she called, “the easiest recipe in the world!” She was determined to teach me how to own that recipe like it was nobodies business. She watched very carefully over me as I measured out the ingredients, then she would check, double check, and then triple check. We whipped those ingredients into submission and poured the batter into the pan. We loving stuck my masterpiece into the oven as Grandma looked over at me and said, “There now wasn’t that easy?” You know what, Grandma, it was! We waited the allotted time as we sipped on some tea and chatted and giggled like we so often did. As the buzzer went off, we grabbed the “perfect” cake out of the oven. It was such an exciting moment for me as I knew that when everyone arrived for my son’s birthday party, they were going to be so very proud of me when I told them that the very cake they were eating was baked by ‘yours truly’. We opened the oven up and pulled out that chocolate cake, suddenly our smiles turned into looks of shock. That cake was not a cake, it was some sort of something, but we were not sure what that something was. We stared at the cake for awhile as my Grandma mumbled something about not knowing what went wrong. Then we both burst out laughing as it suddenly hit us, THERE WAS NO HOPE FOR ME. So the moral of the story here is that you know there is no saving you when even you’re Grandmother tells you, “I guess you really are a bad cook!” I told you so Grandma!!! This of course is not the only bad cooking experience I have had. There has been cookies spilled on the floor, ingredients forgotten, a whole heap of too much salt used, a million burnt things, and the list could go on. Don’t judge me because I am a bad cook!
2. I don’t know how to iron
One time I was with my father and he was about to get up to speak on stage at a very big conference, he asked me to iron his pants. I remember thinking that it couldn’t be that hard. Well, 10 minutes before we were to leave, I decided to go ‘artistic’ on those pants and imprint of the shape of the iron right onto the front leg of his dress pants. Let me just take this story one step higher, it was his birthday as well. Geesh! We had to stop at a men’s clothing store on the way to the conference to pick up my Dad some pants. To his credit, he never even reacted at the sight of his scorched, iron imprinted pants.
3. I have no clue how to bleach clothes
I am not even going to touch on this. It’s that bad!
4. I am a horrible gardener
I love a well landscaped yard like the rest of us. I have tried planting flowers. I have even been given flowers, a whole whack load of them, for free. I have a problem though. I HATE BEES, WASPS, and HORNETS!!! Therefore, I am on edge while I am outside. I tried doing my gardening in the dark while those pesky critters were sleeping, but picking weeds at night is not the easiest of jobs.
I have, however, had success with one plant. It was this beautiful perennial that was in my flower garden. It must have been from the previous owners as it suddenly appeared one summer and grew like crazy. I was so proud of that plant. It never produced any flowers but it was a beautiful big bush that seemed to be growing at an alarming rate. I had many conversations with my Grandmother via phone and she would try to get me to explain this plant to her so she could tell me how to care for it. She could not figure out what kind of a plant I was referring too. Finally, when she came to visit, I took her out to my flower garden to show her my beloved plant. I remember the walk to the garden, I was so excited for her to see it, and finally I had a bit of a green thumb. My Grandmother took one look at the plant and looked at me, and by the look on her face I could tell she was trying to hold back fits of laughter and said, “That’s a weed!” Well, OMG of course, only I would take extra special care of a weed!! I could tell you many more stories that include digging up perennial bulbs and thinking they were onions, and being so proud of myself for ridding my flower garden of those pesky onions, only to find out that those were tiger lily bulbs. Well, that was another epic fail! So, now if you drive by my house (please don’t) you will see my front yard full of beautiful flowers. I am sure you are thinking my husband planted them, but you are so very wrong. I planted them all by myself. They are all fake plants, yep I said it, and every last one of them is fake as fake gets. I have reason for this though. One, they don’t die! Two, they smell like nothing so bees will leave them and me alone. I know what your thinking, “Man, this girl is unbelievably smart” or you are laughing at me and planning your next family outing around a drive by my house. Don’t judge me because I am a bad gardener!
5. I don’t know how to sew (not even a button on)
Clean! I do know how to clean. That has to count for something, right? Sigh, or maybe not. Maybe, we should all just take a moment and say a prayer for my husband and children.
Dear God, please don’t let my daughter grow up learning and perfecting MY horrifying ways of cooking. Please don’t let my son grow up thinking that fake flowers are real flowers. Please God let my husband just survive this crazy life he lives with me and every once in awhile just give him something good to eat, I think he deserves it! Amen.
Life Blissfully 